urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42 tra la la la la la latra lalalalalla mejustme42 2006-04-23T21:16:00Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:56511 2006-04-23T21:16:00Z 2006-04-23T21:16:00Z library proctoring is the most boring thing to do in the world<br />so i write poetry..ish<br /><br />Crushed<br /><br />“I’m going,” <br />you whispered into<br />my mouth.<br />I felt your lips pulling away,<br />toward the door,<br />interpreting my drawn out-kisses<br />as agreements and goodbye’s.<br /><br />You left me here,<br />in this dark room,<br />swallowing cold air,<br />kneading at my stomach,<br />watching as passing headlights<br />threw violent shadows across<br />the opposing wall.<br />I sat on the sheet splattered with surfboards<br />holding my fidgety limbs still,<br />empty as your promise to stay,<br />cold as waiting.<br /><br />Silence was the virtue<br />I inherited from my Catholic Mother.<br />It manifests itself in every pause and<br />guilty hesitation, every thought of mine<br />that you claimed to read.<br /><br />You always believed <br />I thought calmly,<br />irrationally, passionately.<br />You never imagined the<br />Insane conspiracies that lurked behind<br />The blue eyes you praised.<br /><br />Alone, I can hate you,<br />or even dislike you.<br />I can watch patches of myself blush and sweat.<br />I can wrap myself in blankets and roll <br />and roll to the edge of the earth.<br />I’ll stop there to disentangle myself.<br />And there I’ll stay,<br />crushing you beneath all the thoughts I don’t speak out loud. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:56291 2006-03-19T17:30:59Z 2006-03-19T17:30:59Z pink floyd tick tick tick <br /><br />BOOM<br /><br />home home home... toilets... clean... <br />sudafed.<br /><br />i want people who aren't my mom or dad... but that's not going to happen until my head stops being stepped on by elephants.<br /><br />i hope everyone's projects went well!!!<br />i actually can't wait for school to come back. i need activity urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:56025 2006-02-25T22:45:38Z 2006-02-25T22:45:38Z bad company- till the day I die so in three days I'll be in India... with Bush, apparently.<br /><br />It's weird, b/c Jon left on Thursday, and on a weird note, and I miss him so much.<br /><br />Not like, right now, but when my house gets quiet and when everyone's in bed and I'm just sitting on my bed thinking... and thinking.<br /><br />i think <br /> too much.<br />But i like that about me, so I'm not going to stop, no matter who suggests chilling out.<br /><br />there's a strange little man in the world right now. He has a purple bulldog with a pretty face and a million neck rolls. He walks his dog every day and once when I was walking down the street with my Cd player, he asked me what I was listening to. I told him, "Janis Joplin" and he started singing, "In this world, if you read the papers darling, you know everyone is fighting, oh, with each other.. you got no one..." and he walked off, with his dog humming along.<br /><br />or maybe that was a dream urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:55709 2006-02-13T15:37:57Z 2006-02-13T15:37:57Z i got accepted to George Washington U<br /><br />exhale.<br /><br />it's like... i'm absolutely certain that <br />any minute now<br />i'm going to wake up. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:55473 2006-02-08T16:44:24Z 2006-02-08T16:44:24Z spends his time alone in the basement<br />with lennon and cobain and<br />a guitar and a stereo<br /><br />oy urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:55063 2006-01-29T18:06:50Z 2006-01-29T18:06:50Z last night was so much fun!!<br />Eudora's officially the life of the party<br /><br />my favorite part was watching keith sing kelly clarkson to her, that was beautiful!<br /><br />and everyone was so pretty and dancing and it was great!<br /><br />ok well... i hafta go work now. work work work.<br /><br />and I still have not seen brokeback mountain b/c my monumentally unfortunate roommate is going to drive nine hours to guilford and not come right back in time for the matinee tomorrow. and my boyfriend doesn't Want to see it? <br /><br />who are these people? what are they doing? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:54865 2006-01-17T14:49:41Z 2006-01-17T14:49:41Z ramones subterranean jungle did you exchange<br />a walk on part in a war<br />for a lead role in a cage<br />-pink floyd<br /><br />i have absolutely no words. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:54561 2006-01-05T00:58:19Z 2006-01-05T00:58:19Z and so they say that actions speak louder than words<br />but I've never seen that...<br /><br />actions in my world are just these figments of my imagination that I can forget or remember incorrectly or misinterpret... <br /><br />or else they are all that matters and that's whats been so wrong all this time.<br />in fact<br /><br />in fact<br /><br />fuck you fact man.<br /><br />and my earring is somewhere in the backseat of Jons car.. i hope. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:54288 2005-12-25T03:27:18Z 2005-12-25T03:27:18Z Isa- <br />you must must must listen to this song...<br /><br />Nirvana, In Utero... Scentless Apprentice...<br /><br />i've been wondering ofr like four years what he was singing about, and now thanks to you. I KNOW!!!!<br /><br />he's singing about Jean-Baptiste Grenouille! fuck it feels good to know that.<br /><br /><br />it's christmas all over again.<br /><br />my grandpa died. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:54159 2005-12-23T05:01:26Z 2005-12-23T05:01:26Z catholic u concert on tv so i went to see jon today<br />40 minute drive to get to his house... i got there in forty minutes!! no sweat.<br />then we spent afew hours going to get lunch and hanging around his house.. which i'd never been to before. then at four I leave, cuz my mother was nervous about me driving in the dark.<br /><br />TWO HOURS AND TEN MINUTES LATER<br /><br />i arrive home.<br /><br />you see... people with glasses.. are supposed to wear there glasses when driving. otherwise... they really really can't see roadsigns.<br /><br />and people who can't give directions should really just hand the phone to someone else. otherwise the person driving will end up circling west chester over and over again... passing by lynden and springfield ford up to four or five times.<br /><br />then I went to see KING KONG... it was fantastic amazing perfect couldn't have been better. today was a beautiful day during which I gained profound thankfulness for three things... car radio, cell phones and the simple fact that those creepy weird sucking the guys head off and digesting him things with the pink slime and the teeth... don't really exist.<br /><br />amen. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:53873 2005-12-22T04:23:58Z 2005-12-22T04:23:58Z strawberry fields bonjourno mes amis<br />i saw my grandpa last night... he's on his deathbed... i've never seen a deathbed before. his is a recliner. it's not very nice besides that. he made the screw loose sign when he saw me and his eyes were all foggy and pale blue from the morphine. my grandfather takes heroin. i'm not sure where I stand on that, but the minute he drank the juice it was in this huge relaxed smile spread over his face.. i guess it's worth it then. why not?<br /><br />i'm sticking with ice cream<br /><br />so the thing I hate the most about relationships is being at the mercy of what you think the other person feels about you.<br /><br />in this case it's like.. strange.. we can talk about nothing( our roommates), or something, "so.. ummm, this is pretty good" or not talk... and do whatever... but then there's always this feeling like we both or just him or sometimes just me, aren't saying something.. like we're constantly leaving something important out. <br /><br />i don't know what it is that he's leaving out... but i'm pretty sure I know some of the things that I'm not saying.. and all this stuff is on that list I guess. <br /><br />anyway. you know.. sometimes when he looks at me a certain way I just feel ugly and naked and it takes like five minutes for the feeling to go away. usually I hit his baseball cap down to break the eye contact. <br /><br />why eye contact still? i'm supposed to be cured. i'm not cured.<br />fuck. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:53544 2005-12-16T21:52:41Z 2005-12-16T21:52:41Z chaos in my mouth<br /><br /><br />i'm actually fine.<br />maybe i just have a high tolerance for pain.<br />or maybe it's the pills.<br />or maybe it's all the suggestions of distractions that Jon gave me<br /><br />anyway i feel less wise now. which is nice.<br /><br />stupid teeth. and soup is good urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:53472 2005-12-10T19:49:27Z 2005-12-10T19:49:27Z lily and rachel whispering in the library <table width="350" align="center" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2"><tr><td bgcolor="#DDDDDD" align="center"><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style="color:black; font-size: 14pt;"><b>You Have a Melancholic Temperament</b></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#EEEEEE"><center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/whattempermentareyouquiz/melancholic.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center><font color="#000000"><br />Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.<br />You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.<br />You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.<br /><br />Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.<br />You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.<br />Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.<br /><br />At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.<br />You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.<br />You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/whattempermentareyouquiz/">What Temperment Are You?</a></div><br /><br />i am SO cool<br /><br /><br />harry kay says i make him nervous<br /><br />I make HARRY KAY nervous.<br /><br />this is a little disturbing urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:53115 2005-12-09T02:15:41Z 2005-12-09T02:15:41Z john lennon- imagine oh my lover for the first time in my life<br />my eyes are wide open<br /><br /><br />barely human, but the most human of us all urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:52840 2005-12-05T01:05:52Z 2005-12-05T01:05:52Z bad company visions of random mubers pouncing on me and beating my brains out<br /><br />big smiles all around<br />and no room for that business<br /><br /><br />poll?<br /><br />if someone says they are going to call you, they SHOULD call you? I mean that's just common consideration. Thats how the world moves around and around forever.<br /><br />and yet... no blink blink <br /><br />bad company I can't deny<br />bad bad company till the day I day urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:52625 2005-12-01T23:44:29Z 2005-12-01T23:44:29Z footsteps freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose<br /><br />i would totally rather be an oompa loompa<br />not the johnny depp ones either... the rhoald dahl ones are absolutely fine without embellishment<br /><br /><br /><br />so... last night Jon was really tired, and pretty much incapable of carrying on a conversation, which made me the talker person. i started telling him about this book "perfume" (thank thank thank you isa) and he was just staring at me and making me extremely uncomfortable to the point where I trailed off and stopped talking.<br />he said "...i'm listening?"<br />so i kept going.<br /><br />i think i'm withdrawing more and more from normalcy urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:52264 2005-11-27T15:48:07Z 2005-11-27T15:48:07Z townes van sant Enter girl into teachers lounge, brandishing essay and shouting at thirty year old professor with prematurely grey hair.<br /> "Bobby's essay? You picked Bobby's essay over mine?" She demands an answer.<br /> "His essay was very moving..." The teacher fumbles.<br /> "What the fuck? Because he wrote about his grandmother dying... guess what Bobby, that's what grandparents do! they die!"<br /><br />-from some movie i watched once thanks to netflix<br /><br />anyway.. if that's what they do, then how come it's still so hard to watch? My grandpa is going going... not gone yet, but it's like every day..i gu ess it's like a countdown to the end of his life.<br />but then... oh shit, we lost track and this could be day two or fifty or one.<br />he won't talk about death... only about how much he hurts rights now.<br />he's so skinny. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:52084 2005-11-24T01:34:51Z 2005-11-24T01:34:51Z neil young i seen the needle and the damage done i watched requiem for a dream today by myself<br /><br /><br />it's so much to take... it makes me hate everyone and me too.<br /><br />when tyrone curls up into the fetal position? <br /><br />god...her face and those men yelling... and her underwater screaming...<br /><br />it's like.. you know that there are people in the world like that, but you don't think about them... and you don't know how they got that way....<br /><br /><br />i mean.. who hasn't heard the refrigerator rumble.. or smoked a joint... or wondered how far they would go for some stupid thing that makes them happy.<br /><br />it's like watching a home movie of your family go through the worst possible imaginable hell and not being able to stop them because you're just watching it happen like it isn't even real.<br /><br />it's like watching people around you fall down <br />and... you can't do Anything.<br />because you can't be bothered. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:51960 2005-11-18T21:49:43Z 2005-11-18T21:49:43Z silent house behind me.. where's my family? my thing is<br />i can't take vague, subtle clues that someone really has a problem with me... even if the problem isn't me, so much as... my presence?<br /><br />i don't know... i don't mind being hated even hated in a civil way.<br /><br />i just can't take being antagonized by people I just want to love.<br /><br />the other day I was just sitting with some people and this guy that I have all the respect for in the world said something that shouldn't mean anything, but the way he said it, and the way his eyes looked when he said it... i don't know, it felt like he was condemning me. <br /><br />i can't take it.<br />i need him to come up to me and tell me to my face what he's going through, <br /><br />and the same with like, everyone else in my life.<br /><br />maybe i'm just being paranoid. prob'ly? right?<br /><br />this is the time of no reply.<br />i just want to laugh without being looked at funny.. i just want to laugh without feeling as though someone near me is rolling their eyes in my direction. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:51489 2005-11-13T19:56:16Z 2005-11-13T19:56:16Z siouxie and the banshees mmmm....india<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i have got most painful cramp in my right shoulder place right now...<br />it feels like someone is sitting onmy neck with a spiky buttox.<br /><br />so the Holocaust... ask me anything and i'll tell you.<br /><br />you know.. that's what i get for sleeping on a couch that tilts toward one side and isn't long enough to support my calves. <br /><br />study break!!!!!!!!!! YES<br /><br />also reminder to self: coffee= laxative<br /><br />nuff said? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:51340 2005-11-08T02:22:04Z 2005-11-08T02:22:04Z neil young unplugged study hall was just sucked away by neil young and artpad.com<br /><br />we've been through some<br />things together<br />with trunks of memories still to come<br />we found things to do in stormy weather<br />long may you run<br /><br /><br />mmmm... i'm slacking... it's bad... but it's sooo easy <br /><br />yikes urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:50958 2005-10-27T00:23:19Z 2005-10-27T00:23:19Z pulp fiction soundtrack do you know... i just had a great half hour?<br />before study hall... i was just walking out of dinner and jon was walking back from the belfry... and then we just went and sat on the steps coming up from the mailroom and got in people's way for a while. he makes me laugh so easily. there's like.. nothing wrong in his world, and he lets me in it for a while.<br /><br />"i seen em do it man, they fucking drown em in that shit."<br /><br />so fiona wrote this amazing poem about the myth of echoe, this girl who was cursed to only ever reapeat back what had been said to her (!) and so she falls in love with narcissus, the incredibly vain flower man, and neither of them can communicate anyhintg, so they have a very dysfunctional relationship.<br /><br />dysfunctional describes so many aspects of my life.<br /><br />i'm really glad we talked you know. but i never am sure whether you want me to call or not... i feel like im disrupting something. i dunno. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:50755 2005-10-24T17:31:08Z 2005-10-24T17:31:08Z no doubt... or is there? why do the good girls always want the bad boys?<br /><br />i have to do work<br />there's something in my brain telling me not to do it.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />so that was good. move beyond a hurdle that was bound to come eventually. but i don't know if the silence is quite the same anymore.<br /><br />i can't translate<br />slow smiles and small noises <br />into emotions<br />so I just guess<br />that you love me too. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:50569 2005-10-22T21:16:25Z 2005-10-22T21:16:25Z frou frou Like Zeus' detached entertainment<br />like the way you say loud words<br />without passion<br />without the flame<br />just a lighter and heat<br /><br />I am lingering<br />on the edge of this wave<br />no wind, only calm still sea air<br />and the smell of angels breath<br />we were never hear together<br /><br />you sat on a cloud<br />and kicked bits of condensation<br />on my head,<br />Until I was soaked and shivering<br />Until my eyes were raining<br />Until the rivers rose higher than my lofty perch<br />Higher even than yours<br />and the world was only water<br />floating on us dead leftover things urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mejustme42:50351 2005-10-20T23:59:23Z 2005-10-20T23:59:23Z i'm a fish<br /><br />i don't mind you coming here<br />wasting all my time<br />cuz when you're standing oh so near<br />i kinda lose my mind<br /><br />mmmmmm<br /><br />i need so badly three days of my own life... without all this other stuff that they make me do.<br /><br />i have serious beef with coach. gah.<br />game game game game game game'<br /><br />if i found a billion dollar bill on the ground, and it was tails... i'd leave it be.<br /><br />that's just the way i am.<br /><br />i guess your just what i needed<br />floppy haired soccer star.